Don’t wait

You won’t find happiness if you don’t allow happiness to find you. Stop allowing one problem to steal freedom from your heart. Go out and do something, don’t wait.

Stop worrying about what that one person thinks and do it. They don’t care, and if they do they will come back and want to experience happiness with you, if not you’ll find someone along the way. Until then, experience life on your own.

Go on a long drive and bring someone with you and let them talk as you listen. Go adventure in the snow even though you hate it because you might learn to love it. Go apply for colleges you don’t even want to attend because just receiving the acceptance letter will make you feel good. Go to a new town, find a new restaurant, and try something on the menu that you would usually never eat, because you might actually like it. Go visit your grandmother because she always knows what to say. Go lay in bed with your mom and talk about simple things because those opportunities are ending soon. Wake up early in the morning and watch the sunrise, watch the sunset the same day, you’ll be amazed at the peace you find. Go drive an hour to see some of your best friends because often times they are letting life drag them down, and seeing you will give them an opportunity to catch back up. Say something to put a smile on someone’s face because most the time making someone smile, allows you to smile too. Go and donate. Not just your money, but your time. Often times people would rather the company anyway. Go call your dad and tell him “I’m on my way,” even though he wasn’t expecting you. Sometimes last minute plans create the best memories.

Be wild, be spontaneous, and be yourself. Spending time worrying about what anyone thinks is draining your happiness. Happiness is such a rare attribute to find in people nowadays. Make the best out of life while you’re here, don’t wait.

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Don’t Apologize

I drove around one of the biggest cities in the U.S. searching for you, but don’t be sorry. It was midnight and my eyes were beginning to close themselves, but please don’t apologize. You couldn’t even begin to tell me where you were because you were too far gone and too confused to know, but it’s okay. You got into the car crying, and you’re eyes apologized.

I looked at you the next day, you were ashamed. You didn’t want me to see that side of you, but I did. But I don’t want you to feel guilty.

I’ve been where you were, I was treated the way you once were, I cried in unknown places like you were. The difference was, you had him to save you, I didn’t.

I found you, and he was waiting for you when you got in. You were afraid you were going to get into an empty truck. You were afraid of being left alone again. You were afraid to feel the pain you are running from.

Don’t apologize because I know you’re sorry. I don’t want to hear the words come from your mouth because I saw enough in your eyes. I want you to look at him and find comfort. Stop running, stop putting the bottle to your lips, stop popping the tab, and allow yourself to be loved. Just please, don’t apologize.

I’m “that” girl

“You are a little out there.” Am I just a little? I’d say I’m more than a “little” out there. I’m really out there. That comment was said to hurt me, maybe to shut me down, it did the opposite.

My confidence boosted when I saw that message. Why wouldn’t I want to be out there? Why wouldn’t I want to stand my ground? Why wouldn’t I want to be noticed?

I’ve always been the girl that followed my heart. Don’t get me wrong, sometimes I’ve had trouble doing so because my brain isn’t so sure it’s right, but I’ve always ended up where I needed to be.

By following my heart, I’ve always been “out there.” Some people might take that the wrong way, I don’t search for negative attention, but I stand up for myself and what I believe in, and sometimes it draws the wrong attention.

I’m always going to be “that” girl that everyone has something to say about. I’m not the typical teenage girl. I do wild things and I’ve learned from many of those events.

I’m not typical because I don’t allow anyone to tell me I can’t do something. I’m anywhere from not picking at my food to jumping into a raging concert to crowd surf. It’s who I am and who I will always be.

So when you tell me I’m “a little out there” I’m going to smile at you and I’m going to fall asleep at night thanking God that he made me so different from everyone else. If following my heart, and not fitting in with the crowd is “out there,” then I’m so thankful to be “that” girl.

 

You are enough

“I want you to go home, look in the mirror, and tell yourself that you are amazing. Anyone who doesn’t see your value is a fool. You are enough.”

I remember those words like the back of my hand. I don’t know how I heard them, I was sobbing, and his voice was shaking. Those words will stick with me forever. How could they not? They were some of the most precious words I’ve ever been told.

I needed to hear those three sentences. Those three sentences held my confidence.

I couldn’t bare to hear his name, I couldn’t look anyone in the eyes because they would see that I was on the edge of a break. I didn’t want to hear the question, ” are you okay?” I wasn’t okay. I was falling apart.

“We need to talk.” I followed him down the stairs, knowing I wouldn’t be able to talk. I hadn’t talked in days. I wasn’t able to. There was nothing to talk about. “Look I know he hurt you.” Right as I heard his name I fell apart. Why was I falling apart? This was a common pain, I’ve felt this pain before.

As he saw my eyes pour and face hit the palms of my hands he gripped my shoulders. “Sweetie, I’ve been where you are. I’ve been left alone and I’ve been confused. You have to know that this isn’t your fault. You can’t control someone else’s emotions. You can’t dwell over the girl he is after. She could be the ugliest, most dark hearted girl in the world and I promise you that he still would not choose you.” Why was he telling me this? Why was he making it hurt more?

“You see, God has someone perfect for you. He wasn’t it, and the next one might not be it. You might experience this again. You cannot settle. You have too much love in your heart to settle. It’s your job to feel bad for those people that push your love away. I can’t tell you why he did it but I will tell you what I want you to do. I want you to go home, look in the mirror and tell yourself that you are amazing. Anyone who doesn’t see your value is a fool. You are enough.”

After he told me these directions, I truly followed them. I stopped waking up and looking in the mirror trying to find my flaws, trying to figure out where my faults were hiding. I began looking in the mirror and noticing features that I loved about myself, but not just body features, features in my heart. He gave me the confidence that I was never going to find. He made me realize that I couldn’t change someone else’s heart, I could only change my own.

We don’t change, we grow

We have the tendacy to believe that people actually change, whether it’s for good or bad, people do NOT change. The line “once a cheater, always a cheater” isn’t exactly what I’m talking about here. I’m talking about growth. You learn from your circumstance and you build off of it, you do not change.

I guess the phrase “you’ve changed” has always shot a spring of anger through my body. How would you know if I’ve changed? I’m learning.

I’ve heard it all from “if you don’t change this, it won’t work out” or, “you’ve changed for the better, but it’s still not good enough.” These lines actually upset me so much that I had a tattoo placed on my right arm about it. My tattoo says “Just as I am” meaning that I am who I am. I’m not changing. I’m growing. God loves me. I’m shaping my life for Him, not for you.

I will not change to fit anyone’s standards. Honestly I can’t. It’s too hard to be someone you’re not, it’s too hard to fit the list of someone else. It’s impossible. Jesus died to love me for who I am, so why would I change for you? You haven’t died for me, you haven’t felt my pain, you haven’t walked through my shoes.

The people who felt I “changed” were missing something. They missed that my circumstances made me realize some hard facts. Maybe I felt they didn’t fit into my life anymore, or maybe they removed themselves because I was growing too quickly for them to keep up. Either way I’m better than I was before. I learn every time I “change.” I grow every time I’m left. I flourish on my own.

Finding Home

IMG_5769 For me, home hasn’t ever been a place. I’ve called a lot of places home and little did I know those places would not last forever. I’ve lived in many houses, lived in many cities, and fell for many people. I once called every one of those “home,” but what is home?

Home is not a place. It is not a person. It’s not even an actual thing to me. I don’t want a home. I don’t want to be so locked down in one spot that I can’t strive to go a different direction. The reality is, home is not a physical object, it’s a feeling.

When I feel comfort, I’m home. I’m home when I go into my room after a long day, lite one of my favorite fall candles, turn on my dim night light, and open my bible. I’m home when I go to my favorite lake on the mountain and watch the sunset through the water. I’m home when I smell the first scent of Christmas or feel the cold breeze of the first snow fall.

Making one specific place your home means to be stuck in that place forever. Finding “home” in a variety of places sets me up for adventure, it reminds me that I cannot rely on one physical object my entire life. The feeling of “home” is much more than anything I could hold. It is something I’m searching for, something that I will search for forever.

 

Hope

The song There Will Be a Day by Jeremy Camp holds a valuable place in my heart. He sings, “Troubled soul don’t lose your heart, cause joy and peace he brings.” God brings us through battles that we don’t necessarily want to fight, but a lesson always withholds at the end of the battle. We will choose to beat the battle, or allow the battle to beat us.

Lately I’ve faced a heartbreak that I put myself through. I put my faith into another human being, rather than in God. Placing our hearts in human hands only leads to disaster. God did not place all of us on this planet together to put every ounce of life into another’s hands. He placed us here to support each other and help each other. Our souls should prosper in God’s hands.

My heart has been broke by many people. I’ve felt pain and anger towards others, but I’ve been able to over look those faults and move on, until a few months ago, when I pushed myself as low as I could possibly imagine. I would wake up in the morning, make it through my school day, and find a party to attend. I was angry, I lost my faith, and I was ready to be gone. But then my miracle happened-

I was driving. It was pouring out. I didn’t know where I was and I didn’t care. Somehow, I ended up at the “Big Blue House” I grew up in. I stopped and looked at it for a few minutes. That’s where my life began. That’s where my faith began, and that was my home. I remembered myself playing outside or doing yard work with my dad (even though I wasn’t much help) but those memories put a smile on my face, a smile that had been gone for months. I felt butterflies in my heart, like God brought me there for a reason. I realized the true meaning of my life at that point, I realized that the fight I was fighting wasn’t so bad after all. God gives us darkness to help us notice all the small things in life, especially those that we take for granted.

I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound (Phillipians 4:12) Although I can say that those four months I suffered were the lowest moments in my life, I can also say that I rose from them. After that day I met my aunt at church and I attended every Sunday. I forgave the person who hurt me and allowed them back into my life, which brought me to another low that I am now abounding from.

You see, when we beg God for riches, or fame, or even love, eventually he will give it to us, and that is where we learn. I begged God for someone that He knew wasn’t right for me, but He handed it to me so I could see what He saw. Although it failed and it hurt bad, God showed me the true colors of someone I saw the world in. He showed me that he has a greater plan, a plan greater than I could possibly imagine.

My soul was troubled and my heart was heavy, but the greatest decision that I made was placing my pain in God’s hands, versus another persons. I wanted to run to someone else so badly, but no one could possibly show me the love that my God can. Having hope in God’s plan can be so hard at times, especially during our battles. During our times of trial are when we need to become closer to God. Cling to Him, not to others. He will show you your value and potential, and grant you everlasting hope.